-meg ho

Whoa I also realized something today, I need to be taught some people skills or something. Sometimes whenever random people like talk to me who I haven't talked to in a while, or didn't expect to talk to, I blanche and become nervous and its really obvious. Mainly because "I wear my heart on my sleeve" in the words of my mother. I have no idea how to not wear it on my sleeve though. I guess i just gotta rip it out and stick it back in my hollow chest so i can live a normal, healthy life. But I guess the only way to do this is to begin to accept all of the idiosyncrasies of myself. Maybe one day I will complete this endeavor. Hopefully very very soon because I say random-opposite-to-what-i-actually-think- things and blush mucho.

Also, I need to learn to cope with my prejudices against people who look like teddy bears. One day I might just be surrounded, and I need to be cool and not label people after stuffed animals. Because I think I look like a super stuffed ant eater or something. Mmm hmm. Van Gogh was the man! He makes me want to live in his paintings!

I am so not consistent in my relationship with God sometimes because I get so caught up in little things that are so retarded, and just feel bad about it, but it is all part of God's master plan. He totally like woke me up with the whole driving thing and showed me that theres more to life than 'things' and the quest to attain something that he doesn't want you to have right now! Yeah, and girls who read this who struggle with being single sometimes, "DON"T FRET!" haha seriously, God is the ultimate provider, and he will definitely love to be your first love. Just have faith in him, and make the best of every situation you are in! He wants the best for you, its just your choice if you want to accept your own best or God's stinking awesome best. Personally, I will wait however long I have to for God's best in anything. FO SHEEZY!

Also, i wanted to say that I am always here for anyone who needs me anytime! I love you all and I am always here for you all fo sho!!!!

ON A SADDER NOTE...

Rico passed away during the night. He is in crawfish heaven? I have no idea, but i had to throw him across the street, poor guy. RIP RICO

In recent news, I have realized to make the best of every situation you are in, even if it does really suck. Because there has to be something beneficial to come out of every crapalicious situation. Also, my freaking awesome sister brought home a live crawfish for me to keep as a pet. I am excited, and it's name is.....Rico. He's the hottest crawfish on the west side of Compton. Except, I have no idea what to feed him or how to house him. So hopefully he will make it through the night. I love you Rico!

Hey Pop, was this all in your plan

to make me walk around in fear of my fellow man

and you said "don't let your confidence waiver, cause there is plenty of bad blood out there," and now i know...

come hell or high water, i'd show the faithless that i was more than just my mini skirt

and you said that i could be the one to be a mover make a difference but its so hard...

and i always wanted something but, to be quite honest, i am not so sure of this...

Sometimes my fear outweighs your advice ooooooh

this privelege to be all that i could be

weighed down with expectations, complicated me

hey pop, its me your good little egg

on the verge of utter panic, why oh why dad

i always wanted something but to be quite honest i am not so sure of this...

Sometimes my fear outweighs your advice

they'll see i'm just one of the guys if i keep my game face for the rest of the show...

the world around me, crumbling at my feet, around

to be quite honest its just part of this game we play, oh everyday.

Also, who are these people I go to school with? I've been noticing extremely little things about people and I feel like the joke's on me. I mean, when you feel like you know a person, do you really know them? When you feel like your friends like you, is it just pure affectation? I don't know, and I think that's why I am stuck in a whirlpool of confusion. How do you know when you have sincere and true friends, and how do you know when your friends are just phonies? Is it better to trust people with open arms, or to be cautious and not let down your guard? I have no idea. I'm just starting to wonder where my niche is and where my true friends are. Is it better to be a loner, or to throw myself and people who don't really care as much as they claim? I have no idea. All I know is that it feels like a huge machete keeps getting slowly pushed into my spine. I just wish I knew who was holding the handle of it. I don't know, I guess putting trust in people is just all a part of being friends. I think I just want to go to college now to meet new people and find my own friends, instead of like try to join groups of friends who aren't completely joinable. I have no idea. But I wish I did. Let's get back yeah we gotta get back to where we once belonged. Be what may......I wish Cruiserweight lived in my closet.

Today was TAKS. Yes the stupidest and most wasteful event of the day. Also, my pre cal teacher, the best stinking teacher in the school is retiring next year. This means she will not be my calculus teacher, and i probably won't get to go to college. What despair! Well, hopefully it will all work out sometime.

Whoa also, I had a conversation with one of my friends today about girls being trophy wives, and just going to college to find a husband. That is such feces. Fo real. Going to college is about finding yourself. Well that's just my opinion. And its just like that silly cliche about following dreams.

Well on another note, i deeply recommend watching the Shakespeare play, "Much Ado About Nothing". Go rent it today! It's one of the top five movies ever made. So go!

RECOVER- Inhale water

i inhale water. i sink for a few days.

i'm still waiting, i'm not moving.

i'm gonna push until theres nothing left to lose

give me regret, yeah break me now.

i'm still waiting, i'm believing.

you put your faith and left me here to die!

help make things clear, just bring me back.

i'm still waiting, i'm still waiting, i'm still waiting!

put these thoughts to rest, i'm standing my ground.

i'm still breathing. i'm not moving.

i'm gonna cut, gonna change, and i'll never try!

help make things clear, help bring me back.

i still can't decide.

if i'm dead or just not alive.

i want to keep breathing.

just not in my own skin.

i'm still waiting, i'm not moving.

i'm gonna push until theres nothing left to lose

i'm still waiting, i'm not moving.

i'm gonna cut, gonna change, and i'll never try!

help make things clear, help bring me back.

i inhale water. i sink for a few days.

i inhale water. won't find me for days.

i still can't decide.

if i'm dead or just not alive.

i want to keep breathing.

just not in my own skin.

i'll stab myself to death.

i'll tie you up and make you watch it.

Savage things wash over me. -Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Love is just another form of cancer. -CW

this would be me if i lived in the 20's, flappin my cares away